Painful Truth

Do you know why people like you more than me? Because you are a beautiful lie and I’m the painful truth.

Paradox

Creativity and madness hail from the same place.

Anxiety

For all of you who just can’t seem to comprehend it and are often too quick to judge. Let me simplify and explain.

I don’t reach out to people. I’m terrified of talking on the phone and starting conversations with strangers. I’m even scared of texting certain friends and coming on too strong, of graduating from a concerned friend to an annoying nuisance. So I leave messages unread. I wait too long to answer back. I don’t want to let on that I care too much or make people think that I’m needy.

But I care more than anyone realizes. I care so much it hurts.

I come across as a snob, because I find it hard to talk, and hard to force a smile. But I’m not trying to be a bitch. I’m only trying to survive, because, to me, social interaction is a war zone. It makes my cheeks redden, my lungs flutter and my mind freeze.

That’s why I don’t always look people in the eye as they’re talking to me or why I tend to fiddle with the closest thing within my grasp. I look at their face, at the wall behind them, I might even glance down at my phone or twiddle my fingers. It makes me seem like I don’t give a damn about what they have to say, but avoiding their gaze and fiddling with something is just a crutch. I’m paying closer attention than they can imagine. Absorbing every word.

I’m not a good conversationalist and it makes me seem like a shitty friend. I don’t jump into conversations. I’m quiet in groups. People assume that I’m sitting there, judging them for every word that pops out of their lips when really I’m in awe of how easily they can communicate. How natural it is for them. How human they are and how fucked up I am.

Of course, they don’t realize that I have anxiety. They just think I’m quiet. Shy. No, they don’t see I have anxiety, because I’m not shaking at the table, hyperventilating into a paper bag or bawling my eyes out. My meltdowns happen before I see them.

The night before, on my drive there, in the car, I’m freaking out the entire time. Imagining all of the things that could go wrong. Picturing how embarrassed I’ll be. But when I’m finally in public, I internalize everything. I try to minimize my physical symptoms to avoid drawing attention to myself, but just because I calmed my shaking doesn’t mean I’ve calmed my mind.

I’m still anxious. I’m just not showing it. Secretly, I’m freaking out over what I look like. Freaking out over what to say next. Freaking out over why someone across the room gave me a strange look. And if I need to compose myself, I’ll escape to the bathroom and heavy breathe inside of a stall or take a drink, and then walk back into the room like I’m perfectly fine.

But I’m not fine. Anxiety makes sure I’m never fine. It makes me hate myself. It makes me turn down opportunities that I know I’d enjoy. It makes me stay quiet when I have something important to say. It makes me look like a complete asshole.

But that’s not true at all. I’m just someone that’s trying to get through the day. Someone that wants to be liked, but feels like they’ll never belong.


In Loving Memory

My dad died today. When your worst fear has become your reality, it makes this day, and all the rest to come, extremely difficult. It’s truly heart breaking that I had no choice but to say goodbye. I can’t seem to fully wrap my mind around it or come to terms with the fate that has been chosen for you. It’s inevitable, and I suppose sooner or later it was bound to happen, but I just didn’t think the time would be now or for it to end like this. It’s hard to be strong, but I know that’s all I can do right now as I prepare myself for the grief and continued devastation that lies ahead. Despite this outcome, I will forever cherish each and every last moment spent with you and you will forever be held dear in my heart. I only hope that you know how much you truly meant to me. I’m trying so hard not to fall apart and to stay positive in hopes that it makes it all easier. I wish I could fully express my love and gratitude towards you and explain how phenomenal of a father you were, but I find there just aren’t enough words. The time with you wasn’t long enough and I feel as if a part of me will always feel as if I didn’t do enough. I only wish we had gotten more time together. I’m beyond thankful for the very few family and friends comforting me during this time, I honestly don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be without your support. All I can say is don’t ever take the ones you love and deeply care about for granted, because you never know when the last time you’ll ever get to see them will be. I love you dad, always and forever. Life will never be the same without you. I hope you’re in a much better place now. May you forever rest in peace.  
Editors note: My father passed away on June 24th, 2016. It’s been just over four months since then, and I just couldn’t bring myself to share this until now.

Help

 I’m not one to often ask for help, let alone talk about my problems to the entire world. Sure, I write quotes, thoughts and stories, but I keep 90% of what goes on bottled up. So, no, I’m not asking for your sympathy or crying out for your attention… I’m simply asking you for help in one of the most difficult times of my life. The one time I will only ever do this, because let’s face it, most of you don’t even care and never will. Which is fine, to each their own. I know we all have our struggles and we’re all dealing with something, some far worse than others. But regardless, I’ve hit a breaking point and for once in my life I’m reaching out to others for help. So please, take the time to read this, share it with friends and family, and if at all possible… donate. And to those who do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will never fully be able to express my gratitude and appreciation, let alone how much it truly means to me. http://www.gofundme.com/j11pso


Deception

Never try to sabotage someone’s life with a lie… when yours can be destroyed with the truth.


Whirlpool

 

It’s amazing how easy it is to lose yourself in a whirlpool of sorrow. How every thought and feeling that comes to mind becomes corrupted, destroying what was once a beautiful and enlightening memory that now leaves nothing behind but an overwhelming blur of loss. Bathing in the pain, you can feel your heart slowly ripping apart as everything around you begins to crumble. You remain still amidst all the chaos, the voice inside your head screams at you, clawing it’s way to the surface as it drowns your mind with everything you don’t want to imagine. But on the outside your face remains blank, withered and distant. You’re breaking. I don’t know what you’re going through right now, or why, but whatever it is, I just hope it ends soon. Because I know you can feel the talons of a dark entrapping old friend digging their way into your soul, grasping so tightly it’s tainting your heart and mind. And with it’s malicious smile written all over it’s face, you’ve become it’s prey, engulfing you in it’s suffocating misery as it slowly drags you back into the all too familiar depths of the abyss.