Category Archives: Thoughts

Anxiety

For all of you who just can’t seem to comprehend it and are often too quick to judge. Let me simplify and explain.

I don’t reach out to people. I’m terrified of talking on the phone and starting conversations with strangers. I’m even scared of texting certain friends and coming on too strong, of graduating from a concerned friend to an annoying nuisance. So I leave messages unread. I wait too long to answer back. I don’t want to let on that I care too much or make people think that I’m needy.

But I care more than anyone realizes. I care so much it hurts.

I come across as a snob, because I find it hard to talk, and hard to force a smile. But I’m not trying to be a bitch. I’m only trying to survive, because, to me, social interaction is a war zone. It makes my cheeks redden, my lungs flutter and my mind freeze.

That’s why I don’t always look people in the eye as they’re talking to me or why I tend to fiddle with the closest thing within my grasp. I look at their face, at the wall behind them, I might even glance down at my phone or twiddle my fingers. It makes me seem like I don’t give a damn about what they have to say, but avoiding their gaze and fiddling with something is just a crutch. I’m paying closer attention than they can imagine. Absorbing every word.

I’m not a good conversationalist and it makes me seem like a shitty friend. I don’t jump into conversations. I’m quiet in groups. People assume that I’m sitting there, judging them for every word that pops out of their lips when really I’m in awe of how easily they can communicate. How natural it is for them. How human they are and how fucked up I am.

Of course, they don’t realize that I have anxiety. They just think I’m quiet. Shy. No, they don’t see I have anxiety, because I’m not shaking at the table, hyperventilating into a paper bag or bawling my eyes out. My meltdowns happen before I see them.

The night before, on my drive there, in the car, I’m freaking out the entire time. Imagining all of the things that could go wrong. Picturing how embarrassed I’ll be. But when I’m finally in public, I internalize everything. I try to minimize my physical symptoms to avoid drawing attention to myself, but just because I calmed my shaking doesn’t mean I’ve calmed my mind.

I’m still anxious. I’m just not showing it. Secretly, I’m freaking out over what I look like. Freaking out over what to say next. Freaking out over why someone across the room gave me a strange look. And if I need to compose myself, I’ll escape to the bathroom and heavy breathe inside of a stall or take a drink, and then walk back into the room like I’m perfectly fine.

But I’m not fine. Anxiety makes sure I’m never fine. It makes me hate myself. It makes me turn down opportunities that I know I’d enjoy. It makes me stay quiet when I have something important to say. It makes me look like a complete asshole.

But that’s not true at all. I’m just someone that’s trying to get through the day. Someone that wants to be liked, but feels like they’ll never belong.


Whirlpool

 

It’s amazing how easy it is to lose yourself in a whirlpool of sorrow. How every thought and feeling that comes to mind becomes corrupted, destroying what was once a beautiful and enlightening memory that now leaves nothing behind but an overwhelming blur of loss. Bathing in the pain, you can feel your heart slowly ripping apart as everything around you begins to crumble. You remain still amidst all the chaos, the voice inside your head screams at you, clawing it’s way to the surface as it drowns your mind with everything you don’t want to imagine. But on the outside your face remains blank, withered and distant. You’re breaking. I don’t know what you’re going through right now, or why, but whatever it is, I just hope it ends soon. Because I know you can feel the talons of a dark entrapping old friend digging their way into your soul, grasping so tightly it’s tainting your heart and mind. And with it’s malicious smile written all over it’s face, you’ve become it’s prey, engulfing you in it’s suffocating misery as it slowly drags you back into the all too familiar depths of the abyss.


Entangled Corruption

 

I watched as you fell apart… you became someone else. You let an idea, a simple thought, process itself into an entangled corruption that left you in a disarray of misery. You became your own enemy and in it’s darkness another side of you slowly emerged… one in which not even you recognized. I could see the resentment in your eyes, you wanted help, but could never bring yourself to ask, let alone have anyone see you at your weakest moment. But this in turn only caused disappointment in yourself because you didn’t have the strength of mind, which then only pushed you further astray into your own blood bath. Now here you are, right where you left off, once again, lost, suffering, disconnected, and miserable. The light in you has forever faded. And I don’t know who you are anymore.


Inner War

 

I never meant to start a war… all I wanted was to bend your rules. Corrupted, I put you so high up upon the pedestal and ever so quickly you turned and destroyed every positive part of me. I then closed my eyes in desperation and let myself fall, but instead of being so vulnerable… I should have just let you win. Now I brought myself right back to where it all began… the terrifying asphyxiation abyss that I never wanted to relive. 


Slipping Through The Cracks

When you wish your brain would just leave you be, but it instead insists on filling your head with suffocating thoughts and feelings, slowly dimming the light in your once positive, determined and content mind. I’ve been at war with you my whole life and each and every time you always managed to take everything I’ve ever felt good about, everything that I ever wanted and needed… all that I ever loved… you stole that gratitude, that happiness, you ripped it straight from my heart and formed it into things I never wanted to feel. The misery is entangling itself amongst my slow beating heart, forever trapped within its grasp. The sadness continuously drowning all happiness as if I’m lost in a sorrow filled sea, a narrowing tunnel with a light at the end in which I can not see. The disappointment is twisting all I’ve ever come to know into something it is not. May it be the guilt, embarrassment, humility and stupidity overwhelming all that is true. But please, oh please, do not lead me down that deep, dark construed path… not now… not ever. Especially not when I finally have him too.


Struggle For Survival

It was the only thing, and will ever be, the one thing that I wish I could see the way everyone else does. But then again, if I could, I probably wouldn’t perceive the world as differently as I do now. In fact, I probably wouldn’t even be the same person that I am today. But maybe I’d be happier as an individual or maybe I’m just lying to myself. And if that’s the case, then how can anyone truly love me for me? Because In order to obtain it you must trek into the deepest and darkest parts of your mind. But tread lightly, for those who travel so far off the beaten path often never come back the same as before. For behind every closed door is a constant unknown battle, a struggle for survival, that you don’t care enough to realize. And you may just open the door into a nightmare.


Poisonous Cloud

 

It never became a problem until you let it suffocate and intoxicate your well being. And as soon as that occurred your whole state of mind changed and you became engulfed in this lime light of thinking that this is how it’s supposed to be. You literally brainwashed and corrupted yourself. You became your own worst enemy. You will never set yourself free from this poisonous cloud until you force yourself to let go. Until then, they will all watch you suffer, many won’t even notice as you slowly kill yourself. Too bad the majority of them will remain blinded because there will come a time when it will get to a point were you will need to be saved and when that time comes, it will be too late. It’s quite sad how even the closest of people don’t truly know what’s going on. That’s how people end up dying. Because no one cares enough to open their eyes and ask. You literally have to scream it in their face or already be lying on the floor dead. Now how pathetic is that.