It’s amazing how easy it is to lose yourself in a whirlpool of sorrow. How every thought and feeling that comes to mind becomes corrupted, destroying what was once a beautiful and enlightening memory that now leaves nothing behind but an overwhelming blur of loss. Bathing in the pain, you can feel your heart slowly ripping apart as everything around you begins to crumble. You remain still amidst all the chaos, the voice inside your head screams at you, clawing it’s way to the surface as it drowns your mind with everything you don’t want to imagine. But on the outside your face remains blank, withered and distant. You’re breaking. I don’t know what you’re going through right now, or why, but whatever it is, I just hope it ends soon. Because I know you can feel the talons of a dark entrapping old friend digging their way into your soul, grasping so tightly it’s tainting your heart and mind. And with it’s malicious smile written all over it’s face, you’ve become it’s prey, engulfing you in it’s suffocating misery as it slowly drags you back into the all too familiar depths of the abyss.
I’ve amazed myself in how I managed to survive this road. Feel the fever… I can feel it deep inside my soul. Everything seems so clear now. I think I’ve finally started to find my way out of this dark tunnel. Maybe having everything fall apart was what I really needed in order to see the truth and to be set free. And maybe just simply having you call lifted a weight off my chest, because I feel like I can finally breathe. So, thank you, I understand now. You watched as my world crumbled, as everything and everyone around me fell apart, and as it did I slowly fell to my knees, not knowing where it all went wrong. And despite how much it hurt you to see me in so much pain, you stood there with that look in your eye, that expression of “I’m sorry, but it has to be done”. And as much as I hated you for it, I just didn’t get it then. I remember collapsing to the ground finding it hard to breathe, crying my heart out as the hurt rippled through my body. It filled the holes in which blinded me and threw me off. I cried for help, and I yelled at you for not understanding why, but yet you still stood by my side, never looking away. In order to heal myself I needed to bleed, I needed to feel the true pain, but most of all… I needed to see it for myself. When you hit rock bottom so much changes. But you… you put me through so much in order to grow and learn and realize the harsh truths. Even when I almost never made it, you built me up, and held my hand, no matter how much I tried to push you away… you stayed. You never doubted me and you… you made me who I am today. So, thank you, it’s amazing how far I’ve come in this life. And it’s all because of you, Evan. ❤
Depression is the voice of the damned who quietly whispers in your ear; patiently waiting at the darkest parts of your mind. And at any given time, during your weakest points, it will emerge grasping you with its intoxicating presence. Clouding your thoughts, blurring your vision… slowly sucking the life out of you as it poisons your heart and mind… only to leave you condemned with a heavy conscience.
You tell me exactly how it is… each and every time… and you watch me with sadness in your eyes as I slowly crumble to the ground while I lose control and become engulfed in the same lies each time. The feeling that warped our heart at the beginning was a warning, we knew that, you said for me to walk away, but I disobeyed and still followed through with it anyway. I thought it felt right but the right was wrong. And you, my dearest conscience, were correct… as always. I already know, because of you and the single most powerful touch that you bless me with sparks a light of truth. But the more I put myself in these situations… the less I feel. And despite the fact that we already know what is to come… in the end was that not what we wanted?