My dad died today. When your worst fear has become your reality, it makes this day, and all the rest to come, extremely difficult. It’s truly heart breaking that I had no choice but to say goodbye. I can’t seem to fully wrap my mind around it or come to terms with the fate that has been chosen for you. It’s inevitable, and I suppose sooner or later it was bound to happen, but I just didn’t think the time would be now or for it to end like this. It’s hard to be strong, but I know that’s all I can do right now as I prepare myself for the grief and continued devastation that lies ahead. Despite this outcome, I will forever cherish each and every last moment spent with you and you will forever be held dear in my heart. I only hope that you know how much you truly meant to me. I’m trying so hard not to fall apart and to stay positive in hopes that it makes it all easier. I wish I could fully express my love and gratitude towards you and explain how phenomenal of a father you were, but I find there just aren’t enough words. The time with you wasn’t long enough and I feel as if a part of me will always feel as if I didn’t do enough. I only wish we had gotten more time together. I’m beyond thankful for the very few family and friends comforting me during this time, I honestly don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be without your support. All I can say is don’t ever take the ones you love and deeply care about for granted, because you never know when the last time you’ll ever get to see them will be. I love you dad, always and forever. Life will never be the same without you. I hope you’re in a much better place now. May you forever rest in peace.
Editors note: My father passed away on June 24th, 2016. It’s been just over four months since then, and I just couldn’t bring myself to share this until now.
I feel so broken inside. My heart aches and my hope is slowly fading away. I don’t hide it anymore, because I can’t. The betrayal is too much. You can see it when you look into my eyes and the expression upon my face… it’s as if something inside of me has died. You… of all people… how could you? I can’t even fathom as to why the one person I trusted and believed the most… the one I looked up to… how my own father could do this to his own daughter. I needed you… I opened up and cried for help. I came to you. You told me you’d always be there… you could have made me better… you could have helped. But instead you pushed me away and completely shut me out. And that only ruined me so much more. You left me here to rot and the more I think about it, the more it hurts. And you know, when you have so much pent up pain… and hurt… it really does take a toll on you after a while. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. For you have abandoned me.
The one person I need the most… is never there. And you know, dad, I wish hugging and holding onto my pillow helped as much as it used to like when I was a kid… but it doesn’t anymore. It just makes everything hurt more. And all I wanted when I called you… was for you to save me and take all of my pain away. You knew something was wrong, but I just didn’t know how to tell you.