Tag Archives: depression

In Loving Memory

My dad died today. When your worst fear has become your reality, it makes this day, and all the rest to come, extremely difficult. It’s truly heart breaking that I had no choice but to say goodbye. I can’t seem to fully wrap my mind around it or come to terms with the fate that has been chosen for you. It’s inevitable, and I suppose sooner or later it was bound to happen, but I just didn’t think the time would be now or for it to end like this. It’s hard to be strong, but I know that’s all I can do right now as I prepare myself for the grief and continued devastation that lies ahead. Despite this outcome, I will forever cherish each and every last moment spent with you and you will forever be held dear in my heart. I only hope that you know how much you truly meant to me. I’m trying so hard not to fall apart and to stay positive in hopes that it makes it all easier. I wish I could fully express my love and gratitude towards you and explain how phenomenal of a father you were, but I find there just aren’t enough words. The time with you wasn’t long enough and I feel as if a part of me will always feel as if I didn’t do enough. I only wish we had gotten more time together. I’m beyond thankful for the very few family and friends comforting me during this time, I honestly don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be without your support. All I can say is don’t ever take the ones you love and deeply care about for granted, because you never know when the last time you’ll ever get to see them will be. I love you dad, always and forever. Life will never be the same without you. I hope you’re in a much better place now. May you forever rest in peace. ¬†
Editors note: My father passed away on June 24th, 2016. It’s been just over four months since then, and I just couldn’t bring myself to share this until now.



It’s amazing how easy it is to lose yourself in a whirlpool of sorrow. How every thought and feeling that comes to mind becomes corrupted, destroying what was once a beautiful and enlightening memory that now leaves nothing behind but an overwhelming blur of loss. Bathing in the pain, you can feel your heart slowly ripping apart as everything around you begins to crumble. You remain still amidst all the chaos, the voice inside your head screams at you, clawing it’s way to the surface as it drowns your mind with everything you don’t want to imagine. But on the outside your face remains blank, withered and distant. You’re breaking. I don’t know what you’re going through right now, or why, but whatever it is, I just hope it ends soon. Because I know you can feel the talons of a dark entrapping old friend digging their way into your soul, grasping so tightly it’s tainting your heart and mind. And with it’s malicious¬†smile written all over it’s face, you’ve become it’s prey, engulfing you in it’s suffocating misery as it slowly drags you back into the all too familiar depths of the abyss.



The one person I need the most… is never there. And you know, dad, I wish hugging and holding onto my pillow helped as much as it used to like when I was a kid… but it doesn’t anymore. It just makes everything hurt more. And all I wanted when I called you… was for you to save me and take all of my pain away. You knew something was wrong, but I just didn’t know how to tell you.



You will never understand it… until it happens to you. And when it does… don’t come crying to me… when all you did was tell me to suck it up and act like it was nothing, because I’ll just return the favor. Little did you know that my whole world was falling apart, but you didn’t care enough to try and make it better. Instead, you lied to me and disappeared. But one day you will realize that it is indeed… not easy at all and you will completely break down. And when you do… you’ll have no one… just like I did.



Depression is the voice of the damned who quietly whispers in your ear; patiently waiting at the darkest parts of your mind. And at any given time, during your weakest points, it will emerge grasping you with its intoxicating presence. Clouding your thoughts, blurring your vision… slowly sucking the life out of you as it poisons your heart and mind… only to leave you condemned with a heavy conscience.


I sit in my sorrow filled silence of an empty feeling, disconnected from my own thoughts and being. It seems to me as though I’ve lost myself from the world and I don’t know why.