Tag Archives: grief
Here we are, yet again, face to face. Subdued by a feeling in which we can not comprehend. Our minds clouded, unable to think clearly, shrouded by confusion and frustration. So, in turn, we push ourselves away, and lay isolated, disconnected from everything around us in order to piece together something we most likely will never understand. But be careful, my love, for if you stray too far you’ll find yourself alone in the deathly grasp of unforgiving mistakes… as you drown in your own grief.
I sat there for what seemed like hours. Starring blankly at the ground with my hands limp in my lap. Breathing slowly I felt so alone and hurt. The thoughts ran through my mind and the tears slowly welled up in my eyes. He walked over to me slowly then, my back facing him, he paused for a moment and then said “You did what you had to do”. There was a moment of silence until scoffing quietly I replied back “Yeah… right”. He knew I was in pain, torn from what had happened earlier today. Watching me closely he said softly “This is nothing compared to what you’ve gone through, my dear, it will only make you stronger”. You could hear the hurt in my voice as I laughed “Stronger? Then why does it hurt so much?”. I could hear the wisdom and concern as he spoke “Every hardship thrown at you only lets you deal with it so much easier later down the road. I mean look at you, if this would have happened to you a year ago you’d be laying on the floor crying your eyes out. I know it hurts, it always will when it happens, but this pain will pass in due time”. Looking up slightly, I let out a heavy drawn sigh “All I wanted was to be happy, loved and cared for… but” – it was hard to hold back the tears at that moment, as the past memories seeped into my mind “Every time… Evan…. every time… I’m betrayed. And for what? What did I do? I fell in love with someone who just doesn’t care, who’s a liar and a hypocrite and treated me like dirt. All I did was care and love and yet I get pushed away yet again, ignored as if I’m worthless.” The tears fell from eyes then as I held my face in my hands. Quickly running to my side he wrapped his arms around me and replied “Hey, hey, it’s going to be alright. He doesn’t deserve your tears… he never even deserved you”. I felt the anger build up as I pushed him away then, raising my voice he could see the sorrow upon my face as I yelled “Then why did you do this to me? Why did you make me go through all of this when you knew from the very start what he was like and what would happen!?” I starred at him, broken, waiting for an answer. He gazed back at me, the hurt upon his face for what he had done and he quietly said back “You can’t help who you fall in love with, and I thought why not? Why not give her a chance so maybe she could be happy and experience something different in life”. I cut him off then, infuriated with deception “Happy? HAPPY??? He brought out the worst in me, I hated him when I met him, I wanted nothing to do with him but it was you who told me to give it a chance, to try… and for what?? To be treated like shit by yet another pathetic asshole who clearly doesn’t give a flying fuck about anyone but himself? Yes… thank you… so much”. At that moment I fell to my knees wrapping my arms around me in pain I cried, grasping onto the ground as I could feel the pain tear a hole in my heart. Reaching out to me he replied “You never deserved to be treated like that, you and I both know that. And if I had known what was to come I never would have even let it happen. But all of this will be nothing but a learning experience and you will be so much stronger, you know you will.” I screamed back a sob filled cry “I don’t want to be stronger! I just want to be happy, I want someone who actually loves and cares about me, but all I ever get is some self absorbed jack ass who doesn’t give a shit”. Walking over towards me he grasped onto me gently and held me in his arms tightly, almost as if to rock back and forth he said “Maybe so, but each and every time it’s a stepping stone to the right person… the one who will get it right the first time and realize what he has before she walks away. He may be hard to find, but you’ll meet him one day and when you do he’ll be nothing but good to you. You deserve the world… you aren’t like everyone else, you’re an amazing person and those who don’t see that are blind and stupid. They really don’t know what they’re missing. And as for him… well let’s face it… he’s a complete and utter moron, he has his head so far up his ass he doesn’t care or realize anything. He did nothing but treat you as if you were trash, he never cared and he never will, as much as that hurts to hear, someone like that doesn’t deserve to be happy or have someone as special as you in their life. So let him live his pathetic and miserable filled life. He’s going to get no where and soon enough karma will bite him in the ass. He deserves nothing from you, and to be honest you’re probably the best he’ll ever have in his sorry filled existence”. Slowly pulling my face towards his he said gently “You are a beautiful person inside and out and to see you like this kills me inside. To think that someone as low as him can bring you down is a terrifying thing. He did nothing but poison and infect your well being, you know he’s a bad person to have around… you’re family even said so… but now you truly know”. Placing one hand on my cheek gently he smiled at me and said “I will always be here for you, no matter what happens”. Glancing down and then back up at him you could hear the sorrow in my voice as I quietly sniffled back “I know… you were the only one who ever was”. Right then, as if almost in a dream everything faded back to reality. I looked up from where I was sitting, slowly glancing around me, a smile fell upon my face, as I felt the suffocation come to an end. Sighing in relief, I stood up and paused for a second, only to return with my arms wrapped around myself whispering “Thank you”.