Tag Archives: grief

In Loving Memory

My dad died today. When your worst fear has become your reality, it makes this day, and all the rest to come, extremely difficult. It’s truly heart breaking that I had no choice but to say goodbye. I can’t seem to fully wrap my mind around it or come to terms with the fate that has been chosen for you. It’s inevitable, and I suppose sooner or later it was bound to happen, but I just didn’t think the time would be now or for it to end like this. It’s hard to be strong, but I know that’s all I can do right now as I prepare myself for the grief and continued devastation that lies ahead. Despite this outcome, I will forever cherish each and every last moment spent with you and you will forever be held dear in my heart. I only hope that you know how much you truly meant to me. I’m trying so hard not to fall apart and to stay positive in hopes that it makes it all easier. I wish I could fully express my love and gratitude towards you and explain how phenomenal of a father you were, but I find there just aren’t enough words. The time with you wasn’t long enough and I feel as if a part of me will always feel as if I didn’t do enough. I only wish we had gotten more time together. I’m beyond thankful for the very few family and friends comforting me during this time, I honestly don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be without your support. All I can say is don’t ever take the ones you love and deeply care about for granted, because you never know when the last time you’ll ever get to see them will be. I love you dad, always and forever. Life will never be the same without you. I hope you’re in a much better place now. May you forever rest in peace.  
Editors note: My father passed away on June 24th, 2016. It’s been just over four months since then, and I just couldn’t bring myself to share this until now.

Path of Grief

Here we are, yet again, face to face. Subdued by a feeling in which we can not comprehend. Our minds clouded, unable to think clearly, shrouded by confusion and frustration. So, in turn, we push ourselves away, and lay isolated, disconnected from everything around us in order to piece together something we most likely will never understand. But be careful, my love, for if you stray too far you’ll find yourself alone in the deathly grasp of unforgiving mistakes… as you drown in your own grief.


Despair

She stared at the ground for the longest time. As if there was no end to her grief, I saw a tear roll down her cheek as she closed her eyes gently and sighed. She stayed like that for a moment, as if embracing the silence, letting it tear away at her heart. Slowly looking up at me, her eyes were red and her face dewy from the tears she had cried. I saw the pain and hurt in her soft blue eyes. I felt helpless. Because at that moment there was nothing I could say or do to make it all go away. She opened her mouth then, almost whispering “I… I just…” and then she trailed off. She couldn’t believe what had happened. Such a fragile human being she was, it was heart breaking to see her stuck in such times of sorrow. But it was then that broke my heart the most… she grasped at her chest, squeezing her eyes shut, she cried out in anguish as she fell to her knees. The tears raced down her cheeks as she buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Her body shook as she rocked herself back and forth trying to comfort herself. Falling onto her side, she screamed out clenching at the ground relentlessly. So much hurt… from such a tiny human being. This pain will never end for her. She… she has become broken. And all I can do… is watch as she suffers.


Grief of The Conscience

I sat there for what seemed like hours. Starring blankly at the ground with my hands limp in my lap. Breathing slowly I felt so alone and hurt. The thoughts ran through my mind and the tears slowly welled up in my eyes. He walked over to me slowly then, my back facing him, he paused for a moment and then said “You did what you had to do”. There was a moment of silence until scoffing quietly I replied back “Yeah… right”. He knew I was in pain, torn from what had happened earlier today. Watching me closely he said softly “This is nothing compared to what you’ve gone through, my dear, it will only make you stronger”. You could hear the hurt in my voice as I laughed “Stronger? Then why does it hurt so much?”. I could hear the wisdom and concern as he spoke “Every hardship thrown at you only lets you deal with it so much easier later down the road. I mean look at you, if this would have happened to you a year ago you’d be laying on the floor crying your eyes out. I know it hurts, it always will when it happens, but this pain will pass in due time”. Looking up slightly, I let out a heavy drawn sigh “All I wanted was to be happy, loved and cared for… but” – it was hard to hold back the tears at that moment, as the past memories seeped into my mind “Every time… Evan…. every time… I’m betrayed. And for what? What did I do? I fell in love with someone who just doesn’t care, who’s a liar and a hypocrite and treated me like dirt. All I did was care and love and yet I get pushed away yet again, ignored as if I’m worthless.” The tears fell from eyes then as I held my face in my hands. Quickly running to my side he wrapped his arms around me and replied “Hey, hey, it’s going to be alright. He doesn’t deserve your tears… he never even deserved you”. I felt the anger build up as I pushed him away then, raising my voice he could see the sorrow upon my face as I yelled “Then why did you do this to me? Why did you make me go through all of this when you knew from the very start what he was like and what would happen!?” I starred at him, broken, waiting for an answer. He gazed back at me, the hurt upon his face for what he had done and he quietly said back “You can’t help who you fall in love with, and I thought why not? Why not give her a chance so maybe she could be happy and experience something different in life”. I cut him off then, infuriated with deception “Happy? HAPPY??? He brought out the worst in me, I hated him when I met him, I wanted nothing to do with him but it was you who told me to give it a chance, to try… and for what?? To be treated like shit by yet another pathetic asshole who clearly doesn’t give a flying fuck about anyone but himself? Yes… thank you… so much”. At that moment I fell to my knees wrapping my arms around me in pain I cried, grasping onto the ground as I could feel the pain tear a hole in my heart. Reaching out to me he replied “You never deserved to be treated like that, you and I both know that. And if I had known what was to come I never would have even let it happen. But all of this will be nothing but a learning experience and you will be so much stronger, you know you will.” I screamed back a sob filled cry “I don’t want to be stronger! I just want to be happy, I want someone who actually loves and cares about me, but all I ever get is some self absorbed jack ass who doesn’t give a shit”. Walking over towards me he grasped onto me gently and held me in his arms tightly, almost as if to rock back and forth he said “Maybe so, but each and every time it’s a stepping stone to the right person… the one who will get it right the first time and realize what he has before she walks away. He may be hard to find, but you’ll meet him one day and when you do he’ll be nothing but good to you. You deserve the world… you aren’t like everyone else, you’re an amazing person and those who don’t see that are blind and stupid. They really don’t know what they’re missing. And as for him… well let’s face it… he’s a complete and utter moron, he has his head so far up his ass he doesn’t care or realize anything. He did nothing but treat you as if you were trash, he never cared and he never will, as much as that hurts to hear, someone like that doesn’t deserve to be happy or have someone as special as you in their life. So let him live his pathetic and miserable filled life. He’s going to get no where and soon enough karma will bite him in the ass. He deserves nothing from you, and to be honest you’re probably the best he’ll ever have in his sorry filled existence”. Slowly pulling my face towards his he said gently “You are a beautiful person inside and out and to see you like this kills me inside. To think that someone as low as him can bring you down is a terrifying thing. He did nothing but poison and infect your well being, you know he’s a bad person to have around… you’re family even said so…  but now you truly know”. Placing one hand on my cheek gently he smiled at me and said “I will always be here for you, no matter what happens”. Glancing down and then back up at him you could hear the sorrow in my voice as I quietly sniffled back “I know… you were the only one who ever was”. Right then, as if almost in a dream everything faded back to reality. I looked up from where I was sitting, slowly glancing around me, a smile fell upon my face, as I felt the suffocation come to an end. Sighing in relief, I stood up and paused for a second, only to return with my arms wrapped around myself whispering “Thank you”.