Tag Archives: pain

In Loving Memory

My dad died today. When your worst fear has become your reality, it makes this day, and all the rest to come, extremely difficult. It’s truly heart breaking that I had no choice but to say goodbye. I can’t seem to fully wrap my mind around it or come to terms with the fate that has been chosen for you. It’s inevitable, and I suppose sooner or later it was bound to happen, but I just didn’t think the time would be now or for it to end like this. It’s hard to be strong, but I know that’s all I can do right now as I prepare myself for the grief and continued devastation that lies ahead. Despite this outcome, I will forever cherish each and every last moment spent with you and you will forever be held dear in my heart. I only hope that you know how much you truly meant to me. I’m trying so hard not to fall apart and to stay positive in hopes that it makes it all easier. I wish I could fully express my love and gratitude towards you and explain how phenomenal of a father you were, but I find there just aren’t enough words. The time with you wasn’t long enough and I feel as if a part of me will always feel as if I didn’t do enough. I only wish we had gotten more time together. I’m beyond thankful for the very few family and friends comforting me during this time, I honestly don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be without your support. All I can say is don’t ever take the ones you love and deeply care about for granted, because you never know when the last time you’ll ever get to see them will be. I love you dad, always and forever. Life will never be the same without you. I hope you’re in a much better place now. May you forever rest in peace.  
Editors note: My father passed away on June 24th, 2016. It’s been just over four months since then, and I just couldn’t bring myself to share this until now.
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True Empowerment

 

Often it’s the deepest pain in which empowers you to grow into your highest self.


Fragile State Of Mind

I could feel him watching, waiting… as I stood there with my eyes fixed upon the ground. There was nothing but silence between us, nothing but a lost look on my face; engulfed by the reality of things. My own nightmare. I could feel a slight breeze gently trickle its way across the surface of my skin. I looked up then, to find him staring at me with a blank but yet stern look on his face. My lips quivered ever so slightly as I tried to find the right words, our eyes interlocking as if he could see deep within my soul. “I know the truth” he quietly spoke. Looking away for a brief moment and then back up at him, only a fraction of pain beamed from my eyes as I responded “You’re wrong”. Unaffected by what I had said, he shook his head slightly back and forth continuing on “You can’t free yourself from this corrupted thought because a part of you knows it to be true. It will take over, from that very moment the doubt ignited itself. You do not fit that mold. You’re independence drives you into a life of solitude”. I scoffed at him, feeling his words pierce their way through my heart. The resentment building its way up, the anger emerging, you could hear the pain in my voice “No, it’s not, it can’t be. Besides, that was then, this is now”. He took a step closer, reaching his hand out to cup my face. I quickly turned away but he grabbed me gently, slowly pulling my face towards his. Our eyes met once again and at that moment I held my breath. He spoke with manipulative wisdom, the tone in his voice never changing “Why do you remain in a fist full of lies? It is in your blood and you know that, so don’t try and change something you cannot”. My breathing quickened, I could feel the knots in my stomach intensify, I tried to be strong, but the tears slowly filled my eyes. Feeling his hurtful words bury themselves deep within my mind. “This is so much different, can you not feel it?”. He ran his fingers across my cheek, the disappointment showing itself upon his face, but I could see the deceit screaming in his beautiful eyes. “Stop trying to fight it. You know why you were put here, and to see you completely intertwined by these remote feelings makes me second guess your true abilities. You’re blinded by this foolishness”. My body felt numb by his touch, he was corrupting every thought and feeling. Squeezing my eyes shut in confusion, attempting to block out every negative aspect that tried to drown me in doubt and sorrow. But I felt it spread throughout every corner of my mind, unable to break free from such tragedy a tear ran down the side of my face as I tried to pull away from him, but in turn, he only held me tighter. I couldn’t bring myself to scream at him but he could hear the pain in my voice as I said “Don’t do this to me, not now”. Although my eyes remained shut I could see him smiling with empowerment. He leaned in then, feeling his breath against my neck, my body began to shake as his intoxicating words quietly whispered “You are not meant to feel this way. You know what needs to be done”. I could feel every touch, every word slowly slip through the cracks of my already damaged heart, as if it were a poison filling my veins, I felt weak, my mind clouded; delusional. He slowly brought me to my knees as I whispered back in sheer disbelief “This can’t be happening”. Hearing the heart wrenching weakness upon my voice he let my body go as I fell onto my side. The tears streamed down my face; silently sobbing to myself I stumbled with my words “No… please, no”. Standing over me, he smiled that deceitful smile. His face had iniquity written all over it. He knew he was winning. Slowly taking over, I felt the flame within myself dim. He was the one thing holding me together and the one thing that was tearing me apart. I just couldn’t escape.


Impelled Sacrifice

I saw the light in your eyes dim… the liveliness within your soul escape; I saw everything about you change. You say you left in order to better whatever misery happened in between, but yet I often find you starring off into the distance as if in a daze, lost in your own thoughts. Thinking, of what, I’m not sure. And when I look at you I can see the pain and longing for something deep within. You can fool them but you’re not fooling me. I feel it in my gut that something is wrong, I know something is because ever since that day you changed. It’s as if a wave of sorrow has come over you and I find you second guessing yourself, I see the tears filling your eyes, the resentment and denial because it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I don’t think you ever fully got over it… in fact, I don’t think it was what you even really wanted, I think you left because you thought it was what you had to do… when in reality it killed you inside. And I think now it’s finally sinking in. Don’t do this to yourself. With everything comes sacrifice, my dear, and unfortunately that was one of the things that had to be done. After all, you are the one who chose to be happy.


Music

 

You got me through some of the toughest times in my life. You made me rethink and question my actions. You let me get lost in the moment and feel things I never thought I would. You listened and understood when no one else did. You let my imagination run wild and put me at ease. You picked me up when I couldn’t even bring myself to get off of my bed room floor. You expressed all that I couldn’t even bring to words. You let all the pain and tears come to life and quenched the hurtful fires within myself. You’ve been the only one who has always been there, and you will always be the only one who will continue to do so. You protected me from the world… but most of all… you saved me from myself. Music is such a big part of my life, and without it… I really don’t know who or where I would be to this day.


Change

 

Yes, I have changed. Pain often does that to people.


Despair

She stared at the ground for the longest time. As if there was no end to her grief, I saw a tear roll down her cheek as she closed her eyes gently and sighed. She stayed like that for a moment, as if embracing the silence, letting it tear away at her heart. Slowly looking up at me, her eyes were red and her face dewy from the tears she had cried. I saw the pain and hurt in her soft blue eyes. I felt helpless. Because at that moment there was nothing I could say or do to make it all go away. She opened her mouth then, almost whispering “I… I just…” and then she trailed off. She couldn’t believe what had happened. Such a fragile human being she was, it was heart breaking to see her stuck in such times of sorrow. But it was then that broke my heart the most… she grasped at her chest, squeezing her eyes shut, she cried out in anguish as she fell to her knees. The tears raced down her cheeks as she buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Her body shook as she rocked herself back and forth trying to comfort herself. Falling onto her side, she screamed out clenching at the ground relentlessly. So much hurt… from such a tiny human being. This pain will never end for her. She… she has become broken. And all I can do… is watch as she suffers.