Entangled Corruption

 

I watched as you fell apart… you became someone else. You let an idea, a simple thought, process itself into an entangled corruption that left you in a disarray of misery. You became your own enemy and in it’s darkness another side of you slowly emerged… one in which not even you recognized. I could see the resentment in your eyes, you wanted help, but could never bring yourself to ask, let alone have anyone see you at your weakest moment. But this in turn only caused disappointment in yourself because you didn’t have the strength of mind, which then only pushed you further astray into your own blood bath. Now here you are, right where you left off, once again, lost, suffering, disconnected, and miserable. The light in you has forever faded. And I don’t know who you are anymore.

Ever Turning Cycle

 

He looked at me then. Starring deeply into my eyes. I remember the exact words he said “You’ve changed”. I remember scoffing thinking he was being stupid and ignorant. But I stopped to think about it when he said after “I don’t like it”. That’s when it tug at my heart strings. I just laughed quietly to myself at the though of it, but inside I felt it rip a hole. I knew something was wrong a long time ago, and I knew that I was going through something that affected me and everyone else…. but to think that I had changed so much that no one liked it… especially him… hurt… too much. I’ve taken so many drastic changes not only in my attitude… but in my appearance as well. I don’t know if it’s another mid life crises… or just a phase… or maybe it’s my mind and body trying to deal with something that’s going on in my life. Whatever it is, I don’t mind it… at least now I don’t… before, well, before was just pure torture. I felt completely mind fucked so to speak. I don’t know what’s going on, and maybe I never will, but to be honest I think the main source of this “corruption” is because of him. He’s doing this to me. I’ve become someone else so many times over I’ve lost count. I often stop and just lose myself in my thoughts because I can’t figure out who I am anymore or what I want. I know for a fact what I deserve, and clearly I deserve better…. but yet I can’t bring myself to leave. Maybe because I want to play this little “game” back… only better… or maybe it’s to add something interesting into my life. He truly does bring out the worst in me. But in many ways I believe it’s to learn and in the end it will only shape my character. I know what I’m capable of, and yes, sometimes it even scares me. I always wondered why I even bothered in the first place, because I knew from the start… but I guess that just goes back to adding some “action” into life. I’ve always liked who I was, though at times some of my qualities disappoint and piss me off, but hey, no one’s perfect. But in the end I think I’ve become more expressive, I know I will forever be changed, and really, if you don’t like it, then I suppose you can fuck off. After all… I’m not here to please anyone or make them happy.